Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
