He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
