i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
