bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
