Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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