well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
