this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
