so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
