So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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