In the future we'll all be gay
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
My bed smells like the plague
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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