I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
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