the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you didnt know i had herpes?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
