I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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