I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
