The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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