We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
