Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
