i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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