i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize