the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
