3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
