hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
