i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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