On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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