today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
