You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
