guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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