i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
