I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
