I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
