If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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