Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
