Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
