She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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