I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
