I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
