My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
