Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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