Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
