yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
