So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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