I wish I only lived at night.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
