i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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