I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
