she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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