Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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