I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
