We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
