my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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