Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
