I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
