Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
