When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
