Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
