"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
