The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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