So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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