We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
