3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
